I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im holly from the hills drunk
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
