My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'd cum for enchiladas.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
