Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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