this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
