a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
