I want to walk on stilts...naked
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
