my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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