Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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