just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
