i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
