when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
