fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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