All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
