your thong is hanging out like whoa
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
