So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
