I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
