At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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