If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
