I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize