There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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