took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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