I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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