I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
