I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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