Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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