I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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