my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
