Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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