I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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