He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Two words: blizzard sex
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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