I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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