i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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