I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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