i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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