You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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