my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
