I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
