so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
