her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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