I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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