I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Randomize
