my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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