What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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