The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
third nipple confirmed
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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