fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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