why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
