Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
