I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
