He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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