The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
