please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize