He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
