He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
