Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
