Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
