OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize