dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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