Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
