the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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