Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
