oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
