Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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