why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
