My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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